Okay as much as I would like to pretend that I did not put myself into this situation...here I am.
In terms of dealing with it all, that's where I've decided "alright, might as well document this chaos for something to laugh at one day" and to more or less create a personal reference for me to know how to cope in the future *smiley face*
1) Embrace the Waves: you started this one girl, like the Moon, you are creating tides big enough to swallow you whole but for whatever reason you're still afloat on that excuse of a paddle board. *Pausing for a moment of self reflection....I fucking hate water, how is this coming to me?!* It's the motions, it's the build up and the crash, it's the breath of air that you're still here.
2) Do More of What Makes You Happy: the worst, best piece of advice when you're in the midst of all the turmoil or your mid-mid life crisis (age twenty-four approx.) but seriously, do more of what makes you happy. It can even be done on a budget, trust me, my painting set up includes an old pair of (clean) panties and a Talenti coconut almond container as my water cup and paint lid. *Sidenote, Talenti icecream is not only amazing but their containers are so reusable that you have zero excuse to not upcycle them or at least recycle them.* Go in search of the moments where you are so distracted that you're finally free from thinking about all the doom and worry.
3) Save Yo Money, Be Frugal: I actually used to be way better at not spending unnecessary money when I was living off of the parental nip so it has been a disappointing discovery that while I am now financially independent, I love food. I also love good food, like the organic, break your bank trying to take care of yourself food. Don't go out to eat, and yes unfortunately that means a lot of declines to invites; think of yourself as already being broke, ya know, just in case. It's really easy to buy ten bucks worth of crap food versus a select few, thought-out food items. Avocados are surprisingly versatile (says the white girl).
4) Keep Pushing Forward: yes, the world on some days seems to be giving you both middle fingers with no regard to your emotional well-being, and I am here to say that it's okay to cry (maybe not as often as I do but) and that even if the days don't seem to get better, there is definitely something good in each day. Don't let yourself settle for "this is how it is". Write the lists, do the research, create the spreadsheets, and get yourself where you need to be. My mom keeps calling me saying, "I can't believe there's so much unemployment in America, I'm seeing a ton of jobs" while I stare at the list of ten jobs I applied to that day wondering if I will hear back from at least one of the ten from the lists created everyday for the past five days.
5) Accept That This Takes Time: steady going from here, there's no need to rush things. At this point, there is grace in patience, and no matter how many job applications you fill out, you fill out more the next day, you fill them out until you hear the words, "we'd like to hire you". Know that it is okay to settle while you still search. If you had the balls to do this in the first place, you better know that you have them to help you see this through. You can be stronger than your mistakes and left turns in life.
There are days where I wake up fighting everything I have done to the stability of my life, wondering why I decided not to settle for just any job anymore, trying to figure out where that mentality woke up from. There have been a lot of internal arguments of knowing that I have worked the low end jobs and deserve something better by now but also wondering why I deserve that. I thought good karma would have distributed it's wealth by now, but I still have lessons to learn apparently.
I'm going to try to actually commit myself to this blog (finally) instead of it being just another dumping ground for creative expression. In the meantime, I'll be packing my things and figuring out the next part of the plan.