My alarm went off today for the first time this month of March: 6 am.
The pit in my stomach was more of a small elephant sitting on my chest; it's almost as if my subconsciousness had brewed all night and now I was waking into a state that I did not even get to build up the anxiety to...it's just already there! Not fair. (sarcasm) I laid in bed and stared into the darkness of an unlit room, seriously pondering what I was about to make of my day. The normality of what could have been another rise to another day in the remains of my stability was fleeing fast; the last of everything was gathered and I soaked in hot, steamy water that flowed healthily. Last shower for a couple days, I thought to myself with a smirk.
Of everything coming from this mid-mid life crisis, I am uncharacteristically calm(er).
Originally my plan had been to trickle down back in Utah from the north, starting with Flaming Gorge, but a text message the night prior to my departure suggested a better option. Instead, I got to ride a mountain I have never skied at before with two friends from middle school, who I had not ridden with since our hot lap days on our home mountain in Italy. The hospitality extended towards me as been of the upmost generosity as I ended up getting to sleep in a warm house in a far more comfortable bed than my Outback.
I'm not going to lie, I felt pretty conflicted at first, in deciding to go with the option that was going to cost me a little extra money. There was some guilt to taking a day for myself until a job called to offer an interview time and I figured out that I was using what would have been gas funds, for something a little more worthwhile.
Lastly, I was dreading having to speak to my mom today to the point that I was hoping her day bad been too busy to consider the whereabouts of mine. Why? Because sometimes I'm embarrassed to give her the update on my life, sometimes I'm not wanting to try to justify my choices or decisions, and sometimes it's not worth the disagreement. I mean to bring this up gently, because I have lived my entire life trying to figure out how to make my parents happy by their standards while trying to figure out how I want to be happy at the same time. I've learned that it is okay to be different from them, to want different things; ultimately they are not going to be the reason as to why you do or do not get that job, because they are not you. Once I finally figured that out, that I finally figured out that I was the only person who was going to get myself to where I needed to be, I have honestly felt liberated.
It's hard to write that, especially having such supportive parents who provided a very kush childhood and who have gone beyond their measures to help throughout the years of bad choices, mistakes, and big changes. It is not a question of appreciation, far from it as I have the upmost, but you need to sit back and analyze who you are living for, who's standards are you abiding by? Really and truly. You'll answer strongly at first but keep asking yourself that question and it will break you down.
This practice, of repeating a question to myself, it has been both torture and delightful entanglement; I was introduced to the method through a podcast one day and thought it was silly, redundant, and otherwise unsuccessful, until I tried it. Instead of writing it down, as I already write enough things down, I decided to let it play like a broken record in my mind. So on my most recent drive from Park City to Wyoming, in the midst of just having quit my only remaining job, I was pressing repeat on the question, "what do you need and where do you need to be?" I was fighting pretty hard at first, for my answer to be Wyoming, and to not bore you to tears about how many internal discussions I had, I was being drawn to Colorado more and more. That is what sparked the idea to move again-I wanted to get a career in the works but I wanted to stay in The Rockies.
So today, the first real day of it all, has been welcomed warmly. I have definitely had a few solid waves of "holy OH MY GOD" but ultimately something is putting me on this journey for a reason. Maybe I needed a real reason to write. Maybe I need to actually spend time finding myself. All I know (now) is that it's finally up to the universe and for me to learn everything I can from this experience.
We're headed to the Salt Lake area until further notice! Stay tuned for the crazy....