This morning was an early one, by nature of sharing a twin bed with your medium sized dog who is all but courteous of the space he takes up. Sometimes he is unbearably hard to separate from, especially when he rolls onto his back and throws all four paws into the air in the art of a stretch and gives morning kisses. Ugh, the heartstrings.
I am settled for the time being, out of the car, and back in familiar territory as not only to ease my mind but to make more serious decisions from here. It has been good for me to return to Park City as often as I have since moving a month ago (HA) simply because it has solidified my thoughts on knowing that I am ready for something different. Resort towns breed a very unique atmosphere, not in a negative sense, there are people that thrive here, but it is unique nonetheless.
Anyways, so, the highway brings out thought catalog when the traffic stops being stressful and on today's cruise the brain was a'flowin. It's probably important to establish exactly that I am not homeless in the sense that I have hit that kind of rock bottom but more along the lines that I have up and eliminated a financial burden for the time being while I also let my career take the wheel for once (aka I am job hunting hard and willing to relocated on the drop of a dime). I'm also not broke despite the hole burning in the pocket from Zuke's bad encounter. I am living lavishly, no way, just within the means for maybe the first, true time. I do have the support of my family as they understand what soul they brought into this world; I am a free-spirited, emotion-showcasing type of person and by wild thought today, have realized that the more words I'm able to get out onto paper or a post, the quieter my mind becomes on a more regular basis. Self-therapy is what the purpose of the blog is breaking down into But more importantly, they know that I'm figuring it out. Mama raised a courageous gal, maybe not a logical one, but definitely realistic at best.
First thing: the more you drive around with all of your belongings, having memorized where everything lives within the car, you start to mull over how important some of it is; this morning the Outback was gutted and I repacked the remains after taking out items that totally had sentimental value but...I guess not enough. I'm torn between wanting to make the Subaru totally livable, between trading it in for a van, and between having a front door to walk into every evening. I'll admit, I feel the strongest pulls towards freelancing. Maybe it's selfish but I want as much time with my dog and with the landscapes on this beautiful earth because death is so unknowingly sudden. Sometimes I am wondering what that thought has been guiding my headspace for a couple months now, "you can die literally tomorrow, enjoy it all now". Maybe this blog's coined phrase will be "dwell in the now", but with a positive connotation. So, I got rid of more things and with two thoughts 1) you can always buy a new one 2) it's just a thing, even if it's from your childhood days in Turkey, it's just a thing.
Second thing: lots of forgiveness and letting go, it's the same feeling as surrendering to the universe, you loose the ability to feel the grudges and to bare the anger that came with every bad memory. Maybe it's a temporary slip on the spectrum but it's so relieving, so liberating. I'm letting it wash over instead of taking it and running with the feeling.
People, strangers, family and friends, everyone is more friendly. Sure half of it comes with an individuals perceived outlook on life, if I was stressing out as per normal, I would be melting in every bad interaction that's occurred since pulling out of my driveway in Wyoming, but it has not been so. Do I feel brave for doing what I am doing? Maybe, yes okay I do, but only because I never saw myself having the courage to go through with it. I have been slowing trying to convert my Outback without going totally HAM. Even today, I had to stop my brain from going too far with the "live out of your outback kenzie, just do it" thoughts. I want to be a dirtbag hippy, respectfully.
Did you ever take those personality tests in high school that determined things such as being an extrovert or introvert? INTJ was the first ever combo I received, a test that changes with you as time does, as I know that I am far from the introvert I used to be. My thought with this though is that maybe the folks that you see, freelancing from their vans, maybe that is where the creative, free-spirited, artists folks dwell in happiness. Maybe that is what I have been searching for throughout the years of self discovery, disconnect, and redefinition. Do you know how scary that is to commit to and I am saying that, having already completed 1/4th of that path?
At what point are we so willing to sacrifice our happiness for wealth and stability? Are you wrong for wanting one over the other? No, never. I do not believe that anyone should feel like they have chosen wrongly because they like their life the way that it is or because they wanted children young or because they pursued a career instead of a family. There's a chance none of this will work out in my favor, there's a chance that I will reach new, lower, lows but I think I would have hated myself more for never knowing because I was too scared to try. Cliche ending, barf.
Go choose happiness for yourself.