While exploring the self contained rut that has propelled me into reinvention and redefinition, it happened.
Meaningful friendships that last a lifetime, I have no understanding of. At some point, the person will always leave, there will be a time where their impact does not even resonate anymore. It is definitely a defining character flaw of mine: expecting the loss.
Relationships, interactions, they are both extremely important to me. In fact, I thrive off of these, despite growing up anti-social and being made pretty uncomfortable by most people, I developed into a person who has cared too much. I am rabbit-holing here. Basically, whether I am directly interacting with someone or watching them interact, I am consistently reading energies, responses, body language ques to determine how genuine a person is.
Alright so let's jump into this....
I thought that I had girlfriends until I figured out that they actually had girlfriends. This is self reflection right here because I know by now that this is entirely my own fault. I don't give enough shits about daily communication with people because I don't think that there's enough in one day to have back to back, meaningful "catch ups". Sharing about your day is one thing, with your partner whom you see everyday anyways, but trying this same method with your long distance friends has proven to be a waste of time for me. You end up trying so hard in the beginning that at some point, it tapers off so suddenly that it starts to feel like you're reaching more than they are.
I'll totally own up to the fact that I am horrible at keeping in contact but great at wasting time on social media. True Millennial. I don't try hard enough. I also shut off when I have tried to reach out and get nothing back. Just because someone can't figure out their time management, doesn't mean that they do not care. I think there is confusion in that, I know that I have been personally fucked off by it, I mean shoot, I've lost friendships over the inability for both parties to keep in what we felt like was "regular" contact. Live and learn I guess.
So yeah, I have become solitary. My dog became my focal point and for good reason: he doesn't get a choice. I never have wanted to be alone and I knew that with having a dog, I would have the excuse of never being alone again. It got to the point that I stopped dating because I wanted to dedicate more time to my pup instead, plus those interactions were hardly going anywhere and at some point that just gets so old. Of course, this has made it harder to respectfully latch on to someone else because I now understand that when I have found my person, I want most of my time to be directed/consumed by them and only them. Solitary.
It bothers the hell out of me that I cannot seem to establish and keep growing friendships, that instead they end and they usually end in a nasty way. There's offended emotions, misunderstandings, and an overall "I'm fucking done with this" attitude that leaves you two as strangers.
People can be such a beautiful waste of time, with time allowing you to sip on the sweet honey just until it's ready to sting you.