New lesson: to be apart of something is one thing, to watch it take it's wrath on another person...surprising perspective.
Sitting across from my significant other, who's mind was quietly spinning into the same depths of where did the universe come from originates, I could feel my utter helplessness in aiding him. I had, too many times in the past and showing no sign of let-up for the future, been exactly where his thoughts had taken him and to the state he was currently dwelling in. You become sharply aware of not just the time it will take to achieve what it is that you think that you want, but the patience acquired to accompany it all. The visualized road ahead becomes stretched out, narrow with no sign of light at the end of it, nothing to help guide you. Thus, the spiral induces.
I could feel the black hole he was swimming in and therefore began to think about the times that I call my mother in tears over this exact thing. What was her advice to me, why am I always calm after I click the phone off? There's only so much "advice" to have during this time because we all silently know the answer: we need to find ourselves holistically, first.
Some people need the diverse change of pace to help them begin to embark on what it is they want to do with their life. I feel safe to say that (almost) all of us desire purpose to our lives, which is thankfully matched by a plethora of opportunities. I will also admit that I am finding ease in creating this post but struggling in producing the quality of concern that I have for it, returning to the idea of how strange it was to witness my emotions and thought process in someone I care about.
So how do we pick ourselves up? How do we get the ball rolling when the motivation is buried under layers of discouraging thoughts? There's definitely not a set guideline so here is a rough draft list of advice:
1) Give into the spiral: go a little bit crazy. I think that we need to do this in order to understand how badly we want to diversify or pursue our passion. Going off the rails is the first sign and giving in is the acceptance of that.
2) Patience, love. Time is the hardest lesson that we have been given in this life and it demands its pace over our desire. It starts with one day and goes one day at a time, enjoy it while you find your way back.
3) Lost is not lost, it's just temporarily confused. The feeling of being so disconnected from yourself that you endure the burden of trying too hard to feel found. Remember when you did not have the answers as a young child? Remember getting lost in the backyard grasses and skies filled with imaginary animals, worrying about nothing yet feeling everything. Don't take your second childhood for granted too....
4) The Bad Days: you're going to have them, they're going to feel like a 20 foot leap backwards from the cliff you just scrambled up. They're going to feel bigger than the steps you made going forward, but they aren't permanent. This. Too. Shall. Pass. But you're allowed to have your pity party days, in fact, embrace them. Let them serve as reminders.
5) You're not alone. The more that I personally dive into my calling in life, the more shocked I am to discover that it's the pre-mid-life crisis and that our generation is on fire with it. We've been caught in the cross hairs of our parent's generational standards and pure, blissful, enamoration for life. (yup, I made up that word)
My dilemma is dancing between the freedom and the money that makes that freedom feel so good (too). There's the desire to have challenge to aid in progression but also a deeply rooted and unexplored love for the open road. If we diverge now, what happens in a handful of years, when we are considered "out of touch" to the upcoming generations? What about the generations far wiser than us now, who tell us with sad admiration that we are doing the right thing, that they wish they would have done it all differently?
So why does it feel so awful to bare the weight of? We are so hard on ourselves, setting expectations too high while banging our fist against the wall when we turn around and disappoint ourselves.
It's the cyclical, unanswered conundrum. But we'll make it out...