Riding a chairlift alone, I am here under blue bird skies as the wind whispers her sweet stories through my hair, being reminded of the simpler things of enjoyment.
Just minutes prior, I was anxiously fidgeting at my desk, trying to decide if I should eat my lunch now or later, and making no decisions. I was more anxious about riding solo for the first time at the park; I was beginning to read and reread the bike park map, trying to memorize it, fearing I would make a fool of myself at some point. So I forced myself to get up and get changed. My hands were still shaking, putting on my helmet; they didn't stop until my first full pedal on dirt.
I had done it, I got myself out of the spell that was lurking. The chairlift's speed made it easy to get lost in the moment I was being given. The sun was so tenderly warm while the breeze chased her with a slight chill; this is what I wanted, always. Honing in on the chirping birds and overall natural silence, I was overcome by the fact that I have not taken the time like this...in a while.
Zuke is one factor for sure. As he ages, I worry less about his whereabouts and discoveries, but my ears used to heighten as my eyes closed; there has always been too much to worry about due to not wanting to deal with any outcomes from me not having watched close enough. He was a distraction for me (with zero complaint) and definitely one of the reasons why I haven't been able to "take the time".
We've been moving a lot since February 2018; three new homes, too many locations for the little Zukers to be able to keep up with, and countless numbers of new faces. I've been dragging Zuke along for the whole ride while trying to keep myself on track both mentally and physically and forgetting all too often to take the time to breathe, to simply exist.
The chairlift gave me that today. Uninterrupted time with the greatest Mother of all...accompanied by a super rad downhill lap.