Processing / by McKenzie Roers

Numbness overcomes with great speed, I lost the feeling in my fingertips when I dialed your number for the first time since high school. 

You had looked right through me. I didn't realize that it had been the accumulation of almost ten years of friendship. 

After everything, this was the payout. 

I listened, I choked on the tears that began to flee as I found myself squandering in apologies for instances that I had never been told about. I listened to the words, "you" drip from your lips with vengeance and a forgivness that you claim to have settled your debts with. 

My rape was just a statistic to you now. Confirming the lack of emotion you had seven years ago, standing in front of me with news that we both couldn't wrap our heads around. All I wanted was for you to hold me, to let me cry, to make the reality seem a little more real. All we did was stare at each other before I couldn't look at anything but the ground. We both didn't know. 

In the midst of the most toxic relationship I've encountered, you decided it was time to forgive me, and I met your words with anger and emotion, drunk in the middle of the day, sitting on a couch in a house that was supposed to feel like home. 

I didn't ask about freshman year. You didn't ask about the rape. I never asked about your anxiety. You never let me own the disease that's riddled me since birth. You wanted it all to be yours. 

I gave you the sorry's that you deserved. You gave me more blame in return. I was trying to move forward but you decided to remain in a time that we both did not know the people we were becoming. 

You've moved on you say, so have I. Until it's nightfall, and I am crawling into bed, racking my brain for why I became nothing to you. Until it's morning, and my dreams have been cluttered with unanswered questions, robbed of sleep. 

I turned to my closest friend; in my first breath I apologized to her for who I am and she wondered in response, you're just a very independent, free spirited person and that for us to be good friends I need to not smother and nit pick stuff like that. 

My heart wept. Ten years of friendship that you had the final say on but what I finally feel liberated from. Maybe I needed for you to hate me all along, maybe it would have exposed you to be just like the girls we grew up with in high school, that you so desperately wanted to be apart of but you had me instead as a friend. 

Once again, you've taught me one of the greatest things to know about myself. Maybe now, your name will be just a memory, maybe now the memories can finally fade into the hole they belong in. For now, now I am able to give myself to people who deserve these parts of me. 

For our friends that remain lost in translation, maybe they too will have closure on a friendship that they swore would never see the end of its days. I have admitted to my faults, may you find the courage to admit yours too.